SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Apple unveiled the next generation of iPad—the iPad 2—featuring a faster processor, enhanced retina display screen in a smaller shell. Widely seen as the best and most sought after tablet on the market, it also will become the most difficult to purchase.
Why? Apple is limiting the sale of the iPad 2 to people who have Apple logo stickers on the rear windshield of their vehicles.
“We know the iPad 2 will sell out in minutes. That’s a fact. But we also want to reward our loyal customers who purchase first generation devices from us that even we know are subpar. Ergo sum: you show us love, we allow you to buy our stuff,” said a company spokesperson.
The new policy came after a long debate from within Apple. “Our first idea was that we wanted to limit purchases to people with logos tattooed on their bodies. But our concern was that people would be so eager to get an iPad 2 that they wouldn’t care who did the tattoo, and the incidence of blood-borne illnesses would rise tremendously. We want our subjects…er…customers to be healthy and reproduce vigorously.”
This is yet another step Apple has taken in recent months from being a cult-like company to a full blown cult. Last month, Apple employees were asked to take a “happiness” test by spitting into a cup and taking a 6 hour survey to assess the level of their contributions to the company. No word if these tests have lead to “reorganizations” within the company structure.
Fanboys rejoice. The rest of us, “screw you,” according to Apple spokesperson.