SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Apple unveiled the next generation of iPad—the iPad 2—featuring a faster processor, enhanced retina display screen in a smaller shell. Widely seen as the best and most sought after tablet on the market, it also will become the most difficult to purchase.
Why? Apple is limiting the sale of the iPad 2 to people who have Apple logo stickers on the rear windshield of their vehicles.
“We know the iPad 2 will sell out in minutes. That’s a fact. But we also want to reward our loyal customers who purchase first generation devices from us that even we know are subpar. Ergo sum: you show us love, we allow you to buy our stuff,” said a company spokesperson.
BURBANK, CA – Sources report Charlie Sheen announced on the set of Two and a Half Men that he’ll work from home tomorrow.
“I just feel like I need a break, you know, and that I’ll be more productive from home,” Sheen reportedly stated to the crew, “because I won’t have so many distractions.You guys cool with that?”
The reaction from the crew was mixed. When asked for a comment, a grip said, “I don’t get this guy, first he says he needs a break, then he wants to come back to work, now he wants to work from home. I feel like he’s not giving 100%, like he’s not part of the team.”
This would not be the first time Sheen’s behavior caused a tense working environment. In 2008, Sheen reportedly acted out the final scene from Les Miserables in a tutu.
Critical of Sheen’s motives, the script supervisor said “I think he’s just going to spend the day doing errands and stuff.”
Unlikely, says Sheen. “I have people who do that kind of stuff for me.” corrected Sheen, “I just want a special day when I can work at my own pace. Find my inner Charlie Sheen.”
Sheen, notable for his work in both dramas and comedies–Platoon, Hot Shots Part Deux–made his case. “Look guys, I know what I’m talking about here. We do this in my backyard, we can do a cinema veritas thing.”
Regardless if Sheen is on or off the set tomorrow, the impact of his decision is likely to be minimal. ”We’re not actually filming the show right now, I hope he knows this. We’re just packing up the props” commented one producer.
“I’m glad he’ll be home tomorrow. He makes everyone to be on edge,” added his assistant.
Producers currently have an internship opportunity open to fill in for Sheen. All are welcome to apply.
MOBILE, ALABAMA – In response to a growing discontent voiced at town hall meetings, the city council members of Mobile, Alabama have voted to take steps to redesign their city to better fit their current set of features.
In a statement released yesterday, the council proclaimed, “with our budget shortfalls and increased spending, the council has no option but to make severe, and drastic reorganization. Our plan may be a shock to some, but a benefit to all.”
The council presented a 3-page plan which includes:
- all residents must move to the center of town, live in stacked housing units
- advertising limited to the north and south tip of town
- support for extra services will be limited or not available at all
- cost of living will be determined by either AT&T, Verizon, or TMobile depending on style of house
Some residents welcome the change. ”It’s really the future, you know, it’s in our name.”
Others have more creative ideas, “let’s change the city name to Desktop, Alabama. That might fix things.”
The motion is currently being considered by the City Council.
POKIPSIE, MICHIGAN – A Michigan man yesterday admitted he blamed Facebook privacy settings for not responding to his girlfriend’s wall posts. ”She gets mad at me for not ‘liking’ her morning coffee selection or the funny thing she said to her mother. Its just easier this way.”
“I just don’t think a lot of what she writes about is interesting,” the 24-year old continued, “I know that’s bad but it’s true.”
In an unfortunate turn, the surprising admission was overhead by a co-worker who “thought it was funny” and promptly posted it to Facebook. Geralds girlfriend has updated her status to read, “is going to allow her ex to have more privacy” and has changed her relationship status to “single.”
“The idea came to me when I suggested my 8-year old daughter save up money to buy a pet grooming kit,” said company spokesperson David Angisevics, “and I thought why can’t we do this?”
“I wanted to teach her the lesson that if you want something you have to save for it. Buying Google would be a step in the right direction, after Patch.”
So far, they have collected $3.42, mostly in pennies, a gum wrapper and a resume.
When asked about the resume, Justine Lafebvre commented, “hey, if they’re going to get this jar as an offering, I might as well take my chances, right?”
“It might take some time,” commented Angisevics, “but it’s worth a shot.”
Google is valued at $32 Billion.
PALO ALTO, CA – According to a report by his wife, Brad Radcliff, 45, plans to give the best damn interview later today. “There’s just no way I can fail,” said Radcliff, adding this was going to be his day.
This comes as welcome news to wife Cheri, father and mother Dick and Martha and friends. “He just hasn’t been himself since, you know two months ago,” said Martha, “we just don’t talk about it.”
“We don’t talk about it because he’s a pussy,” interjected Dick.
Radcliff, a software engineer, when asked about his game plan replied, “I’ve memorized all of the answers to all the crazy, oddball questions they can throw at you, like how do you cut a cake in eight slices with just three cuts. There’s nothing I can’t handle.”
Cheri remains positive because, “well, you have to. We all make sacrifices.” To bridge the gap, Cheri has picked up a few more shifts at Paws and Claws, a pet grooming and manicure salon.
UPDATE: In a request for more information, Radcliff was “unavailable.” According to Cheri, the interview lasted five minutes. Unconfirmed sources tell us Radcliff has sequestered himself in his room with his old Nintendo, Mario Kart, and a box of tissues.
PORTLAND, OR. – Amidst the flurry of announcements at National Signing Day 2011, Jared Kanga of West Portland High School has indicated he intends to skip college and start work right away.
In a prepared statement, Kanga said, “I just don’t think college is going to give me anything I can’t learn on my own. I’ve seen other paths work just as well.”
Kanga referenced the success of his 14-year old brother, Alex Kanga, after he released the game “Fartzilla” for Apple iPhone. The game features a lizard like creature that shoots fire not from his mouth, but his rear. Alex posted on his Facebook wall, “2M downlawds! OMG! Suck it Jared!”
Ranked #32 overall, Kanga’s announcement comes as a bit of a surprise, given his prospects.
“His ranking, if you will call it, is predicated on the assumption he does go to college,” commented one recruiter, “without developing his skills in a CS program, kinda makes him worthless.”
Kanga’s parents agree. ”Why he can’t spend a couple years screwing around with girls and going to parties is beyond us,” said Kanga’s mother, “what kind of nerd did we raise?”
Kanga, however, is undeterred. ”I’ve got lots of ideas right now. Like a game called Fartasaurus. Or my own Facebook, but just for my friends. But the thing I’m going to work on first is something called Foursquare. I don’t know what it is, what it’ll do or what value it’ll bring but it’ll be awesome.”