Asterisk Web Design

AOL starts coin jar to buy Google

CoinsHENERSON, CA – In a statement released Monday, AOL employees have started a coin jar to collect funds in order to purchase rival Google.

“The idea came to me when I suggested my 8-year old daughter save up money to buy a pet grooming kit,” said company spokesperson David Angisevics, “and I thought why can’t we do this?”

“I wanted to teach her the lesson that if you want something you have to save for it. Buying Google would be a step in the right direction, after Patch.”

So far, they have collected $3.42, mostly in pennies, a gum wrapper and a resume.

When asked about the resume, Justine Lafebvre commented, “hey, if they’re going to get this jar as an offering, I might as well take my chances, right?”

“It might take some time,” commented Angisevics, “but it’s worth a shot.”

Google is valued at $32 Billion.

Job seeker plans to be recruiter’s “best damn interview ever”

PALO ALTO, CA – According to a report by his wife, Brad Radcliff, 45, plans to give the best damn interview later today. “There’s just no way I can fail,” said Radcliff, adding this was going to be his day.

This comes as welcome news to wife Cheri, father and mother Dick and Martha and friends. “He just hasn’t been himself since, you know two months ago,” said Martha, “we just don’t talk about it.”

“We don’t talk about it because he’s a pussy,” interjected Dick.

Radcliff, a software engineer, when asked about his game plan replied, “I’ve memorized all of the answers to all the crazy, oddball questions they can throw at you, like how do you cut a cake in eight slices with just three cuts. There’s nothing I can’t handle.”

Radcliff’s actual job skills, however, are in some doubt. While claiming on his resume to be a “master” at Javascript, sources reveal a copy of Javascript for Beginners on his bedside table.

Cheri remains positive because, “well, you have to. We all make sacrifices.” To bridge the gap, Cheri has picked up a few more shifts at Paws and Claws, a pet grooming and manicure salon.

UPDATE: In a request for more information, Radcliff was “unavailable.” According to Cheri, the interview lasted five minutes. Unconfirmed sources tell us Radcliff has sequestered himself in his room with his old Nintendo, Mario Kart, and a box of tissues.

High School programmer skips college, goes directly to pros

Jared Kanga, returning from bathroom

PORTLAND, OR. – Amidst the flurry of announcements at National Signing Day 2011, Jared Kanga of West Portland  High School has indicated he intends to skip college and start work right away.

In a prepared statement, Kanga said, “I just don’t think college is going to give me anything I can’t learn on my own. I’ve seen other paths work just as well.”

Kanga referenced the success of his 14-year old brother, Alex Kanga, after he released the game “Fartzilla” for Apple iPhone. The game features a lizard like creature that shoots fire not from his mouth, but his rear.  Alex posted on his Facebook wall, “2M downlawds! OMG! Suck it Jared!”

Ranked #32 overall, Kanga’s announcement comes as a bit of a surprise, given his prospects.

“His ranking, if you will call it, is predicated on the assumption he does go to college,” commented one recruiter, “without developing his skills in a CS program, kinda makes him worthless.”

Kanga’s parents agree.  ”Why he can’t spend a couple years screwing around with girls and going to parties is beyond us,” said Kanga’s mother, “what kind of nerd did we raise?”

Kanga, however, is undeterred.  ”I’ve got lots of ideas right now.  Like a game called Fartasaurus. Or my own Facebook, but just for my friends.  But the thing I’m going to work on first is something called Foursquare.  I don’t know what it is, what it’ll do or what value it’ll bring but it’ll be awesome.”

How To Make Realistic Looking String in Illustrator

original

Recently, I was thinking how to upgrade the logo for a friend who owns Offramp Designs (http://www.offrampdesigns.com), a clothing company for those on the road less-traveled.  Of the many possibilities, I thought it might be cool to incorporate the clothing tag into the design. As part of this, I wanted the logo to appear like it was hanging from something… thus I needed to create small length of string to hook through the logo.

read more »

Missile Defend

Title screens for a Missile Defense style game.

Dirty Sexy Money Spot

Something I put together about a year ago

Dirty Sexy Money Spot from Austin Sherris on Vimeo.

Californication The Pilot

Thank God for premium cable television. There are fewer boundries, few restrictions, and freedom to do as one pleases. For these reasons, HBO and Showtime draw some of the best talent and they tend to do their best work. The same is true for Showtime’s new series Californication.

David Duchovny

Californication is a sexy, wild, and fun ride. David Duchovny stars as Hank Moody, a writer suffering from a crisis faith with an inability to write. He’s got an ex-wife (Natascha McElhone) and a daughter (Madeleine Martin) and the busiest sex life an unemployed, unmotivated, fucked up guy can have (and that’s A LOT of sex). He’s a perpetually self-loathing smart ass who can’t seem to move on from his split with his wife and after his soul-searching, dark novel was turned into a happy romantic comedy.

But Duchovny’s pitch-perfect performance adds intelligence and depth to Hank and a longing for something greater. What he is searching for, he cannot find, and the salacious situations he finds himself continually buried under make this a jilarios time. McElhone is not to be taken lightly either; she is Hank’s core and brings the right about of sexiness and nurturing quality to her character to nicely counterbalance Hank’s imbalance.

Some good twists and continuing storylines are well established in the pilot and certainly will play out in the future. The writing is strong, even though a little suprising from a writer whose only other credit that I can find is for Dawson’s Creek. Series directors, however, have a good pedigree and this may be a good instance of fresh scripts working well with established directors to make a fantastic episode. I think I’ll stick around for a while to see what Hank’s future holds.

6 outta 7.

The Saltmen of Tibet

Documentary | Running Time: 108min | Director: Ulrike Koch | Available on DVD

Sweeping landscapes and picturesque mountains serve as the backdrop to a story of an ancient culture consumed by modern innovation. The film follows 5 men, the Saltmen of Tibet, as they execute an annual journey to Lake Tsenso to collect salt so they may buy barley for the coming year. Fair warning: this documentary is not for everyone. It is extremely slow-paced and the average person will likely turn it off after the first 10 minutes. But if you’re reading this you’re probably not the average type of person.

It is after the first 10 minutes that shades and tones emerge. The roles of men and women in the larger Saltmen community are well defined and similar to what westerners would expect; the men do a lot of the physical labor and the women keep hearth and home. However, it is only the men who are allowed to journey to Lake Tsenso to collect salt. Once on the trail, the men reform a new social structure, with a “father,” a “mother,” “animal master” and “novice.”

The men have even developed a segregated “Saltman language” that the women are not allowed to know or speak. The documentary, for its slow pacing fells more like an anthropological study of cultures and social structures. If there was a companion novel that would go with the film it would certainly be Durkheim’s The Elementary Forms of the Religious Life or Weber’s The Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism. And if you know these books I’m talking about, then you probably the right kind of person for this movie. From an anthropological standpoint, this is a fascinating exploration into foreign cultures and rituals.

The power of The Saltmen of Tibet comes from the deeply religious nature of the saltmen communities. We experience both the Buddhist rituals and the mythological histories of their beloved Tibet. The trip on foot and horseback to collect salt is also a religious journey to which the Saltmen sacrifice to be rewarded by the gods. How they have conducted their lives is reflected in the bounty the lake provides them; if they have lived a virtuous life, then the god of the lake will reward them. It may be selling the film short to say that if you get past the first 10 minutes that the rest of the movie is worthwhile. The first 10 minutes help readjust you away from the fast-cut, high-velocity entertainment we have here and transports you to a place of sincerity and reflection. The journey can be jarring, for sure and unfortunately a journey the average person is unwilling to make.

The Shtetl Is Not an Amusement Park

The first (and only) time I met Liev Schreiber was on the set of CSI. Schreiber was doing a stint on the show while William Peterson was on leave for a run of Dublin Carol in Providence, R.I. at the Trinity Rep Theater. Schreiber struck me as a very serious actor who delved into the each moment with great focus. He was not to be bothered and he only spoke when he, the director, and other actors were discussing the scene. Other than that, nothing else.

It was this same intensity I though I would find in Schreiber’s Everything Is Illuminated. A story that follows Jonathan, a man seeking reminants of his Jewish heritage after the horrors of World War II, could very easily be a tough, dour story; it is an era that has been often documented on film. Schreiber’s seriousness was there,

for sure–the focused narrative, the imaginative inner life of the characters, the methodical structuring of images–but I had not expected a sense of humor. Goofy with engaging characters, the film features a Ukranian grandfather (and chauffeur) who swears he’s blind, his grandson (and English translator) who admires American culture film above all else, grandfather’s “seeing eye bitch” (a dog named Sammy Davis Junior Junior) and Jonathan, an American collector and awkwardy out of place in all of this. If anything, it’s a solid road trip movie, with humorous interludes. In one scene, Jonathan must explain to his tour guides and waitress that yes, he is a vegetarian, no he’s not crazy, and yes, he really did want food without any meat with it. The solid performances from all three men elevate the film substantially. Everything Is Illuminatedrelies heavily on cultural misunderstandings and sharp dialogue. The Liev Schreiber I saw on set was undoubtedly only one side; had not fully realized how funny he could really be.

Where the film begins, however, is not where it ends. The light-heartedness and humor switches to a dark, profound personal examination for each character. Most of all for the grandfather, the three men reexamine their relationship with their personal past, the past of their family, and history on the larger scale. Roger Ebert wrote of the film, “‘Everything is Illuminated’ is a film that grows in reflection…. I admired the film but did not sufficiently appreciate its arc.” It is a film that has stuck with me more than most and on further reflection, it had a lot more going on under the surface than it seemed originally. It touches on the horrors of the Holocaust, about living in a community, about saving and passing on heritage and sustaining one’s culture. It is thought provoking and pensive while also entertaining.

I’m sure a lot of these themes and considerations are transplanted from the original novel (which I have not read). One night, several of my friends were arguing over the book and one, a jewish history scholar, made the claim that the book is “ahistorical” and said “the shtettle is not an amusement park.” From what best I can piece together is is a a place of origin, a “home” of jewish faith. Now only remembering the words and not the meaning, I can only assume my jewish history scholar friend thought the story trivialized the jewish experience by influsing the road trip with a sense of nostalgia for the past, a past so horrible it still lingers in our super-conscious. I bring this up because while, yes, the film did have a feeling of nostalgia for the past, I believe it was more a seach for truth and understanding of what meaning those events held for those living it and how the past still affects us today. What the story is ultimately trying to convey is how we should keep a hold of the past, learn from the past, and learn to move on.

The dialogue is sharp, the scenes well paced and there are enough parts keeping the story going that it is an enjoyable film. My one major criticism of the film is how the two main stories of the film never added together. This is not to say that every story should tie together arbitrarily narratives that have no reason being tied together. Rather, in this case, the stories of the American’s grandfather and the Ukrainian chauffeur seem connected somehow but it was never clear to what extent. Did the American’s grandfather know the Ukrainian grandfather? Were they together in the same town when the Nazis took over? Do they have some familial connection? If you see or have seen the film, I think you will know what I am talking about. The connections between the two story lines seem present, but never explained satisfactorily.

At the end of this, I cannot quite decide whether or not to give the film a 5 or a 6 out of 7. I resist the 6 because it was off-beat to the extent it wandered a bit, but the 5 doesn’t quite express the quality of filmmaking I found present in the film. And no, there are no half ratings; that’s cheating. Ultimately I believe it deserves a 6 because it is a film one could watch multiple times and get something new from it. I’m curious to see what he would work on next.

Pushing Daisies Spot

Pushing Daisies Spot from Austin Sherris on Vimeo.